Me and Daylan Having a Conversation in Song

So Daylan and I decided that we needed to sing everything we said. So we had an entire conversation in song. Sorry that the video quality is bad but the sound is good (except for the fact that we can't sing at all). You are more then welcome to make fun of us on this post.

Pregnant Barbie: You be the Judge

I was sitting around like I normally do thinking back of random things from childhood and my teen years and I the thought of pregnant Barbie popped into my head. Yes a pregnant Barbie. I thought if I remembered that others may remember it as well. To my surprise no one had even heard of it. At first I thought I was crazy but I thought the internet has it all so I did a search and I found it.

Mattel had the great idea to give Barbie a friend by the name of Midge who came fully equipped with a baby in her tummy. Your daughter could snap the tummy off and right there in the belly shell was a baby and then instantly Midge would be skinny as a stick again. I seriously wish that I could have snapped off my stomach and pulled Daylan out and threw the extra away and been back to a size 3 but I wasn’t so lucky.

Okay so by now your thinking I have to see this doll well here it is….

Don't Quote Me on That

Recently I have been going through a lot and I started thinking about all the quotes that people say that drive me crazy and make me want to “throw the baby out with the bath water”. I wonder why people think these quotes are so helpful and why is it that the people always telling me these stupid things are no more enlightened, happier or even any more successful than anyone else. Here are my thoughts on the quotes and lines people keep feeding me.

The Email of the Decade

This by far has been the funniest email I have ever recieved in my life. I could not keep this to myself. I laughed so hard the people at work thought that I had lost it. .

Check it Out!!!!



Hi David,
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon. This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.




From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

Tip of the Day: How to End a Phone Conversation Quickly

So we all know what its like to hear the sound of our phone and see the name of someone we really don't want to talk to on the caller id? Right! I am sure you all have had those moments when you are thinking should I answer this or not well go ahead and answer it and I am going to teach you a little trick I use to get off the phone quickly (this only works with cell phones).


So you have picked up the phone and they are going on and on about the weather, work, their spouse, their kids and other random things you really could care less about so now that you were nice enough to answer their call it is time to get them off your line.

The first thing you wanna do is tell them "Hey if my phone dies I will call you back"
now you have the stage set and its is time to put the plan in action. So they can continue talking and you get your turn start talking and in mid sentence just hang up and turn your phone off.

And thats it you are done, the person on the other end probably just thinks that your signal dropped or your phone died because there is no way you would have hung up on while you were talking...RIGHT!?

Believe me this really works I do it all the time. I hate for people to think that I am avoiding their phone calls so I just answer and promptly hang up on them and then call them back the next day or week and say "I am so sorry my phone died"

This works every single time and no one knows the wiser.

Mom this is For You

Hey Mom,

I know that you visit my blog and I just wanted you to know that I love you and not to think that because I share my memories on here that I in anyway am holding you responsible for the way my life turned out. That being said my life is great and you are not in any way responsible....HAHAHA!!! Just kidding mommy I love you very very much and you were a great mom and I know you didn't have an instruction book.

Danielle

To Funny for Words...

Keeping in the great spirit of talking about my mother her is a recent birthday card I received for her (be sure and to read it). My birthday is coming up in a week or so but this is not for that birthday.






You gotta love my mother always giving me something to talk about. As a side not I am an only child so she doesn't have any other children's birthdays to remember but mine.

Childhood Stories

So I think that it is important that children grow up and have terrific stories to tell about their childhood and how horrible of a parent you were when they were kids. I myself have a plethora of great childhood stories about my mom...





My fondest memory is of mommy telling me that my precious dog had ran away and that I should go outside and wait for her to come back (well unbeknown to me my dog did not in fact run away mom had taken the dog and had it put down). Well being the good kid that I was I sat and I waited and waited and waited and of course my dog never showed back up. Thank You Mom

or how about that time when I went to the skating rink with my friend and the deal was her mom dropped us off and you were going to pick us up but you forgot (oh it gets better). So keep in mind this is before the dawn of the cell phone and so as the skating rink is closing thats right closing they let us use the phone which is busy (because being the frugal mom that she is we didn't have call waiting and still don't) so we are sitting and waiting and waiting and waiting and it starts to rain still no mom. Then finally we reach her on the phone and she say all surprised I have to pick you up I thought you were in your room this whole time. Way to know where your kids is....

I just want to thank my mom for giving me these great stories to share with you that I am sure she will say either never happened or doesn't remember. I love my mother to death and I turly believe all the crazy things that occurred in my life made me the great person and mom I am today.

The Girlfriend Experience

Apparently there are men out there that fantasize about having the girlfriend experience. I do wonder if there is a marked for the Mommy or Wife experience. If there is I think I have an idea of what those to experiences would include.