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Thursday, November 4, 2010

I Should Have Married a Woman by Crystal Kennedy

How many wives have had this thought pop into their heads when they are dealing with the all the little “perks” that come with marriage? I am guessing a huge majority. A husband can be a lot of work and it would have been so much easier if he were a woman!

Recently I have found that the “perks” of being married are a big pain in my butt! Now, I want to clarify, “perks” are not what you may be thinking. They are not perky at all! They are all the little things that are attached to your husband that you can’t quite get rid of, like cling-ons or lint stuck to a fuzzy sweater. They are always there no matter what effort you put forth to be rid of them. In other words, habits!

I have decided that, even though I love my husband to death, I could really use a habit busting intervention. There are two views to take on my dear ol’ husband’s pain in the butt habits. First, he could be completely oblivious to the fact that he is causing these persistent pains in my rear end and doesn’t think about stuff the way I do. The second option, he is doing it on purpose, just to hear me nag and complain! I am seriously on the fence with this matter. What do you say we analyze the habits of my husband?

First case: He seems to leave a trail around the kitchen. I can always tell that he went to the cupboard and grabbed a bowl. Opened the silverware draw and grabbed a spoon. Went to the pantry and grabbed a container of cereal and opened the fridge door to get the milk. How do I know these things? He leaves EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of the doors open and the milk and cereal sitting on the counter! Now, is this a case of view number 1 or view number 2? On this matter I think that it is view number 1. He has to be oblivious to the fact that he left every door open and the milk and cereal out, right? I mean he always says he is sorry and seems to mean it but he never stops doing it. That’s the definition of oblivious, lack of awareness of what is going on around him. He is focused on that yummy bowl of cereal, doors and draws are out of mind.
Second case: The bathroom floor is soaked after he takes a shower. I can take a shower without getting anything wet, except what is meant to be wet. However, I am pretty sure my husband washes the ENTIRE bathroom when he showers. The rug is soaked and floor is a slippery hazard zone after he is done. What do you think, view number 1 or view number 2? I am whole heartedly convinced this is a number 2. He does it, I nag and complain, he gets defensive, does it again and presto, problem never solved. The bathroom floor is still wet. Just one time, I wish he would slip on the wet floor so I can say, “See, I told you to stop getting the floor wet.” Its cases like this that make me wish I had married a woman. If my He were a She, we would have a dry bathroom after shower time.

Third case: Husbands and Hampers do not go together, at least in my house. I think he is incapable of putting his dirty clothes, especially socks, in the hamper. They are always lying around the house like some dirty clothes bomb went off with the fuse lit by my husband. So, view number 1 or view number 2? This is another case where I am convinced it view number 2. He does it just to annoy me. I mean, he has to walk right by the hamper to get into bed, why leave his dirty clothes around the house, if not to drive me up the wall and through the ceiling! I try to get him to understand that it would be awesome if he could just put them in the hamper. Always some excuse, and the next morning, the aftermath of the dirty clothes bomb is evident. Husband worn clothes litter the land. I should have married a woman; she would know where the hamper is.

Three different cases showing my husband’s pain in the butt habits, analyzed and categorized. Yet, I am still nowhere near that habit busting intervention I was hoping for. I know many women are faced with Husband Habits on daily bases, all ranging from tolerable to over the moon, drive you crazy. The only solution, marry a woman because our men are never going to see eye to eye with us.


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Christy said...

My husband does things which annoy me as well. Most of the time I can admit to myself he has not left his boxers on the stairs heading to the laundry room just to irritate me. He genuinely is not bothered by seeing them there, he can walk by them and truly think nothing of it. It really doesn't phase him. He hasn't left the bowl of salsa out all night on his desk just to upset me. He just didn't put it in the sink. He didn't think about, it's not important to him. He didn't do it to make me bad. He just has a completely different style than me. If only I could be less stress driven. If only seeing dishes in the sink didn't make the muscles in my shoulder tense. How do men do it? How!? And would I want to be with someone more like me? Sometimes I think so, and then other times I think of what that would be like. Maybe the boxers would be in the right place but two sticklers in a household would be really rough for the kids.

Crystal said...

Too true. I've come to the conclusion that my hampers are indeed invisible only seen with my super-mom vision. That HAS to be the answer. I am the only one out of 6 of us who seems to me able to get my dirties into the basket. Also invisible- my dishwasher. Again, I am convinced that I am not just mom but SUPER MOM because my poor common-folk family simply can't see the invisible items I have placed around our home!


ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I'm just amazed at the blindness to stuff on the floor. Crumbs from a bag of chips, bits of torn paper from some art project. Random nuts & bolts. No one but me seems to see it. I've conducted experiments where I refuse to see it to determine just how long they can remain blind to the mess. Longer than 9 days. That's when I got fed up and cleaned while loudly lamenting that I apparently live with the visually impared. So probably I can sell the giant flat screen tv since they can't see that either right?

Kimberly said...

I wanted to say thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting... I am now following and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
All the best,

Danielle said...

Crystal you did an excellent job on this one. I laughed so hard when you sent this over to me because I think that every woman has felt like this at one time or another.

mommysankey said...

So very true... I think most women have wished at some time that their husband was a women. I repeat myself to a three and one year old all day I hate having to do it with the hubby as well. Great post.

Crystal said...

Thanks Danielle! I write the truth and mu husband thought it was hilarious too. He knows he does all these things and that they drive me crazy.


wendy said...

I'm not married yet, but I can totally understand all of these!

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