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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It's My Life and Im Sticking to It

(Single, Sassy and loving it in pregnancy and even right after giving birth 4 months to be exact. I cut my hair, threw on a my old maternity shirt, turned it into a dress and headed out on the town)

So this post has been bottled up inside me for a long time but I think it is truly time to get it out and just put it all out on the line for you all. I not so recently realized that marriage is not for everyone and that sometimes being single is not such a bad thing. I also realized that just because I am a single mom doesn’t mean I have to have people pity me and feel sorry for my child because he doesn’t have a daddy in the house (as a note all men are not created equal in terms of fathering so in some cases children may be better off with just mom).

Anyone that knows me well knows that I always stated “I will never get married because I don’t need the headache”. I told everyone this regardless of if they knew me or not. I was dead set on raising my son and having an excellent career while traveling the world and showing my son how great life could be. I never felt the need to have a man around because I was a strong woman who was given the power to do anything that I wanted to do and to do it well. I think my parents and the streets made me tough and resourceful. I was a wild child a real thrill seeker during my teenage years but in the beginning I got burned enough to smarten up and learned how to really survive. I would call myself a bit of a survivalist only because I have been thrust into many situations and have always made my way out of it only to be even stronger , tougher and smarter (there are so many skills you can never learn from a book). Now don’t get me wrong I have the book smarts to compliment the street smarts.

So now knowing all of this about me you should have gathered I am a pretty independent person (also an only child so I like my own company and don’t require a lot of other people to validate me or entertain me). This is what led me to the conclusion that I didn’t want to get married and I wanted to raise my son by myself.

But of course life happens and throws you a curve ball and all those things you are thinking go out the window and you find yourself married and you look in the mirror and you say “WHY DID I DO THIS, WAS I SMOKING CRACK THAT DAY?” Your thinking to yourself my life was great before. I was on my own time, doing my own thing, raising my baby the way I wanted to, I took vacations every year with my friends, I would go and come like I wanted, I didn’t have to give a rundown of my agenda and the time I was going to return to anyone and a whole host of other things. Now you ladies who are married and are loving it kudos to you this is merely my opinion of my own life.

So in the middle of my marriage I realized I was right and that I shouldn’t have gotten married my life was my kind of perfect when I was a single mom not everyone’s perfect but my kind and I loved it. When I was single there was no one to fight with, or ignore, there was just me and my son. I think I got lost in a dream that transformed into a nightmare. I was miserable my life wasn’t my own anymore there was this other person that just didn’t get it. There was always something wrong with how I did something, or I was at the grocery store to long, or I was too independent. Well excuse me for existing, so I stuck it out a few months and I said to hell with it. This is where my survival instinct and problem solving skills kicked into high gear. If someone is miserable and they are always complaining then maybe they need to pack their stuff and live somewhere else…see problem solved. Well long story short on that he went on his way, we tried to work it out didn’t work, round and round we went and it’s done.

Now back to me I felt so empowered by the fact that I wasn’t scared to be alone that I actually knew that I could do this by myself because I am Danielle and I have survived much harder things than this. I realized that I didn’t need a man to feel complete I had everything I needed I had my life, my family and my son. I didn’t need the complications of a marriage that was tainted by so much turmoil drama and chaos. I love the peace of coming home taking a nap, getting up going to pick up my son, relaxing, laughing at him , enjoying the moments of being a mom, then putting him to bed and enjoying my time to myself.

I am not saying that some time down the road I won’t find someone but I am in no hurry for that to happen. I am my own woman, I am independent, I don’t do dishes ( I use the dishwasher), I like to take naps, I aspire to be successful, I have crazy amounts of energy, I love to dance and I enjoy just being me straight up and drama free.


Terrisha "Tree" Harris said...

Wow... I really apprecitate your RAW honesty. I have always loved that about you. I also think it is great that you held your head up high even through some of the tough decisions in life that you had to make. You are right "family" may not always be the traditional idea of mom and dad. I feel family is what you make of it.

UAN said...

Sometimes, when my husband is out of town, I can eat what and when I want for dinner. I don't have an extra person to worry about and so I can appreciate where you're coming from to an extent. It's also true that we don't need a man to survive and I wish many women would get that. For example, when husbands cheat continuously or are unrepentant about it,I don't know if staying in that marriage is a good idea.

Danielle said...

You know the hardest thing was moving away from the fact that I am not a failure just because my marriage failed. I realized that there were things that just were so wrong in this relationship that I should not have gotten into it. I now know a marriage doesn't work if only one person is doing all the talking while the other person is off doing their own thing. A marriage should truly be a partnership with open lines of communication and this just wasn't that at all.

lfhpueblo said...

Marriage is hard and anyone going into it that really isn't going to give it a three year blending together phase, then really shouldn't be married. Guys are pretty protective by nature and if they don't know where you are they are often at a loss of how to show you there protective side without going overboard and smothering you or making you feel like they are jealous. It's a guy thing. I worked with my husband and after the first year of marriage I had talked things through enough with him that he didn't need to continue behaving in ways that made me feel like 1. he was jealous or 2. he didn't trust me, if I went somewhere without telling him or did go somewhere and was there longer than he liked. I mean my husband even checked up on me at work a few times to make sure I was really there the first year we were married. So, I here you, but I didn't let him get away with acting like that. He had to work out some of his macho stuff, and just mellow. He did do it over time though.

lfhpueblo said...

Sorry for the mispelled words above. I'm having a brain glitchy day, so that means I'll probably end up with a migraine by tonight.

Danielle said...

Ifhpueblo I wished that it were just the issues I mentioned in the post above. Those things could have ultimately been worked out and worked themselves out but when they were stacked on so many other things that were major they just added insult to injury. Its hard to explain without going into detail but basically I envisioned a marriage where my husband was all about me and our family not a marriage where I had to share my husband with others and felt that I had to compete for his affections. I was losing myself in a marriage that was going nowhere fast because I was in love. I thought that love alone could keep someone true and honest but I was mistaken because it made me blind myself to the fact that I was in something with a person that was living more than one life and that's just not fair. So I felt that it was time to end it so that he and I could live the lives we wanted. I wanted some one that was committed to me 100% and knew where they wanted to be without a doubt in their mind and he was trying to juggle one too many people and our views on marriage and what a partnership and commitment should be didn't agree. We obviously dictionary's on our shelves because my definition of truth, honesty, openness and commitment didn't come close to his definitions of those things.

Danielle said...

Thank You Tree and Emma I felt like it was time to just get it out. No need in carrying something around any longer now it is time to get up and move on and forward.

Crystal said...

You definitely have a point..sometimes men just make it sooo much harder. But I kind of like having someone to love and love me back (other than my 4 sons!!). Good for you ... for knowing who you are, what you want, and what makes you happy!

Charity said...

I am not in a hurry to get married - much for the same reasons. It *is* your life and it should be *your* kind of perfect. I applaud you for doing things your way. :)

Dhemz said...

awww...one hot good looking momma....:) I'm loving the dress....:)

thanks for dropping by dear...glad to be here!

Danielle said...

Thank you all.

Dhemz- that dress was actually a maternity shirt I just feel that maternity clothes are way to expensive to let waste so I just started wearing it as a dress.

Katherine ( Katie) Corrigan said...

I enjoyed my visit to your blog. You are awesome!
Wishing you happiness, Katherine
P.S. the dress looks great!

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